Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Happy PI Day: Engineering Jokes

3.14 is π Day.   It is also Albert Einstein's birthday.  Help celebrate the genius in all of us with these engineering jokes.  For the 'unofficial' website, visit http://www.piday.org

If you think  π  is irrational, then continue.


Computer Nerd T-Shirt Slogans

  • Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
  • COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
  • <-------- The information went data way --------
  • Best file compression around: "DEL. = 100% COMPRESSION
  • The Definition of an UPGRADE: Take old bugs out, Put New Ones In.
  • BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  • BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd Down, 4th Quarter, 5 Yards to Go!
  • Access denied-nah nah na nah nah!
  • C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand In The Corner.
  • Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...
  • Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
  • As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
  • Backups? We don' NEED no Steenking backups.
  • E Pluribus Modem
  • .... File not found. Should I Fake It? (Y/N)
  • A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
  • An error? Impossible! My Modem is Error Correcting.
  • CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?
  • A computer's attention span is as long as it's Power Cord.
  • Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
  • SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
  • Who's General Failure & why is he reading My Disk?
  • Ultimate office automation: Networked Coffee.
  • RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
  • All computers wait at the same speed.
  • Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
  • ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
  • Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to Continue.
  • Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
  • Press any key to continue or any OTHER key to quit...
  • Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster.
  • 2 + 2 = 5 for Extremely Large values of 2.
  • Press any key...... no, No, NO!! Not THAT one!
  • 25.8069 is the root of all evil.

Drugs vs. Software

Drug Dealers
Software Developer
Refer to their clients as "users".
Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!"
"Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move stuff).
Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
Strange Jargon:
  • "Stick"
  • "Rock"
  • "Wrap"
  • "E"
  • "Stash"
  • "Drive By"
  • "Hit (LSD)"
  • "Source"
  • "The Pigs"
Strange Jargon:
  • "SCSI"
  • "RTFM"
  • "Packet"
  • "C"
  • "Cache"
  • "CTRL ALT DEL"
  • "Hit (WWW)"
  • "Source-code"
  • "Microsoft"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14 to 25-year-old market.
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14 to 25-year-old market.
Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent product.
Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent products.
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive.
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive.
A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers.
A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers.
Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said.



Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs,
and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots.
So far, the Universe is winning.




Here is a list of some of the more insidious computer virus from recent years:
  1. Paul Revere Virus - warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
  2. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus- instantly turns 1 KB of disk space into 1 MB of disk space
  3. Ollie North Virus - plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files
  4. Joey Buttafuaco Virus - only attacks minor files
  5. Sandy Berger Virus - stuffs files into it's folders, then deletes them
  6. Denise Austin Virus - attacks your hard drive's FAT
  7. Tonya Harding Virus - turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
  8. Oprah Winfrey Virus - your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
  9. AT&T Virus - every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
  10. Verizon Virus - every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
  11. Politically Correct Virus - never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
  12. Ross Perot Virus - activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits
  13. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - terminates and stays resident: it'll be back
  14. Government Economist Virus - nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine
  15. Federal Bureaucrat Virus - divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer
  16. Jane Fonda Virus - aids and abets other viruses on your system while your antivirus program tries to delete them
  17. Adam and Eve Virus - takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer
  18. Congressional Virus #1 - the computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem
  19. Congressional Virus #2 - runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything
  20. Airline Virus - you're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
  21. PBS Virus - your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money
  22. Jimmy Hoffa Virus - your programs can never be found again

An Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Photo

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."